Much Love and Thank You for My Valentine’s Day Post

First of all…thank you and much love for all of you that reached out to me because of my last posting. It means a lot that people feel for other people, especially when one of those people is me. And I will be taking a few of you up on your offers for lunch and coffee…I look forward to it.

I feel as though the meaning behind my post isn’t as clear as I would have hoped it to be; any of my posts for that matter (at least the ones concerning MS type issues).

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, or show pity for me, and don’t feel obligated to give me a hug (I love hugs and they are always welcomed except pity hugs).

The point of me sharing stuff is for other people. People that don’t know who to ask, or what to ask. I write to share and hopefully inspire that one person who has been feeling defeated and beat down. It’s that old “if I can do it, you can do it” sort of thing, but it is true.

I freaking tripped over my own damn cane and then had the balls to talk about it. That’s embarrassing, but hopefully by me sharing my struggles that it helps someone else get up and dust themselves off.

A similar reason that my company got into social anxieties. I don’t have any social fear, but I probably should because I have issues that make me trip over my own tongue and over my own feet. But I get back up. I want you to get back up.

We all have struggles. We all have obstacles. We all get in our own way.

We also have choices on how we deal with things.

I cannot relate to everyone or every situation and that would be rude of me to pretend that I could. I can, however, relate to some people. I can be that voice that someone doesn’t have.

Don’t feel sorry for me. Feel inspired by me, inspired by life, inspired by whoever or whatever moves you. Then take that inspiration and help someone else; help inspire them.

You don’t have to struggle alone…

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Let Me Throw My Hat In for the Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

What was originally planned did not happen, and that was a romantic dinner cruise with my wife.

What did happen was this (and I should turn this into a story because it’s too ridiculous not to)…

My wife is out of town and told me that she wasn’t going to make it home. It was sad, but its life and not in my control.

A few hours pass, and I look at the reservation rules for the cruise. Nonrefundable, nor can we switch dates…but I might be able to change passengers. I call the office, and I can indeed give my tickets to someone else. If I call before 5:00 PM they can do it officially, otherwise I would have to vouch for the person(s).

Screw it…I’m going to go. It sounds fun and I’ve never been on a dinner cruise before.

So now I have to find that one lucky person to go on a “date” with me. However, I need guidelines to rule people out. I associate with a lot of people, but that’s not what I need.

Rule #1: They have to be male. I don’t want it to appear as though it’s a date and piss my wife off. I must know a lot of females because my list was drastically cut down.

Rule #2: The guy has to be single or alone on Valentine’s Day. This of course made my list really short.

I talked to a few people through the day who may be able to make something work. I mostly heard “any other day I would”, or something to that effect. I got a yes, which later became a no.

I increased my search parameters to include woman who my wife wouldn’t find threatening, and I came up with one. She is more my sister than a “girl”. There were possibilities, but it didn’t work.

Then I got a yes from a guy, but then it turned into a no. A few more no’s, and then my time was getting really short.

At the last minute, I decided to give both of my tickets away to a couple, but there wasn’t enough time for them to find a sitter and get out the door.

At the very last minute, I decided to just go solo, and that’s what I did.

This is where things really went bad…

I was rushing, not paying attention, trying to pull up directions on my phone, which resulted in me falling down the stairs, but I was still able to collect myself and leave.

My GPS told me that I was going to arrive five minutes after the boat left, but I picked up some time on the freeway. I got into the right area of town, and I could see the boat off to my left. GPS told me to go up and around because there was no way to turn otherwise. I did, but then couldn’t find where to go after that because my GPS told me to pull into a place that wasn’t permitted. So I drove back around, and tried it again.

I hate being lost and confused, which I was, and so I pulled over and brought up the reservation. I found where I needed to go. I parked, I ran, and I tripped over my cane. I bloodied my face and really hurt my leg.

I missed the boat.

It could have been worse.

How? I don’t know…it’s a figure of speech. Did I mention that it was also dark and raining?

Driving home…

The area that I was in is not too far from the freeway, but there were some construction/city workers there blocking the turn. So I drove further on, and my GPS was being stupid, “go straight, turn left, go straight, turn left”…it couldn’t make up its mind (not unusual). So I drove straight so that it would recalculate.

It did, but now I didn’t know where I was. Then I got stopped by a train. Anyone who has ever seen a train down by the water district area knows that they are the longest and slowest trains ever.

After the train finally passed, the car in front of me stalled and wouldn’t start. I helped them push it. Then a mile or so down the road, I got stopped by the same damn freaking train.

The rest of the night was great…no complaints.

I’m a pretty positive person, but I am struggling to find the moral of this story. What did I learn from this other than I’m the grown-up version of Charlie Brown?

I thought about this a lot last night because my leg hurt and I couldn’t find my laugh. I couldn’t find the positive to the entire situation.

Then I found, what I believe, is the moral of the story.

“Time waits for no man”…

And what I took from that was that I need to go after what I want, fight for it, and make it happen…we all do…every single one of us. Not what we think that we want, but what we really want, as in it becomes a need.

I also re-realized how great people are. I talked to a few guys and a girl on Valentine’s Day, and even though none of them went with me, they all talked with me (some off and on for a long time) on a day that they were spending with others.

I found my smile when I realized that I may have been alone in my house, but I wasn’t alone in life. Life is worth fighting for.

Thank you to everyone that I talked to.

I’m not Charlie Brown, but Valentine’s Day did hurt.

UPDATE: After I wrote this, I went downstairs to get some breakfast, and fell down the stairs again. My legs (mostly my right) isn’t doing that well. I really should hire a stuntman, because I’m not built to do all of my own stunts.

Maybe the moral of the story is “slow your row”…or it could also be the very new and very popular saying, “Stop falling down the stairs kid” (it will catch on because everyone is someone’s kid). 

Depression Is Not a Sin

¹⁵ so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. ¹⁶ I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning. (Job 7:15-16)

It is a well-known belief that suicide is an unforgivable sin, and in committing suicide you have then earned a one-way express pass to Hell.

But first…

Let’s define suicide:

Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often carried out as a result of despair, the cause of which is frequently attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, alcoholism, or drug abuse, as well as stress factors such as financial difficulties, troubles with interpersonal relationships, and bullying. (wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide)

By definition…

Suicide is murder, and we have all learned that God’s Sixth Commandment is that, “Thou shalt not kill”, or simply put, “You shall not murder”. (Exodus 20:13)

Murder is a sin.

And so since you cannot ask for forgiveness after you kill yourself (because you are dead) then that sin is not forgiven by God.

It depends on what you believe of course…

Jesus died for our sins, and so do we then have to ask for forgiveness every time that we mess up, or is His death a one-time blank check that covers everything?

But...

Killing is one of the Commandments.

Let’s look at depression…

Unfortunately for everyone involved, suicide is a real-life possibility for a person battling depression (and other things).

Suicide will indeed end that battle because there is no going back afterwards…

⁸ “Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, ⁹ that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut off my life! ¹⁰ Then I would still have this consolation— my joy in unrelenting pain— that I had not denied the words of the Holy One. (Job 6:8-10)

But is that the correct path to follow?

Depression is not a sin. Suicide is one of the outcomes of depression. Since there is a direct link of cause and effect by the two parts; by default, suicide cannot be a sin.

Regardless if you call it murder…

God wouldn’t allow it, as part of His plan, to give you something like depression and then punish you for taking one of the possible choices.

²⁰ If I have sinned, what have I done to you, you who see everything we do? Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you? ²¹ Why do you not pardon my offenses and forgive my sins? For I will soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I will be no more. (Job 7:20-21)

Sure…

I’ll agree that God tests all of us, but He doesn’t play mean tricks on us.

Suicide makes the “Top Ten” list of deaths in the United States, but what does the Bible actually say specifically about suicide?

Not a whole lot…

But there are a few examples like these two here…

³ When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. ⁴ “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.” “What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.” ⁵ So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. (Matthew 27:3-5)

AND...

² The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua. ³ The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically. ⁴ Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.” But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. ⁵ When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him. (1 Samuel 31:2-5)

But…

We don’t know anything more, like where did they spend eternity after they committed suicide?

The truth is that the Bible doesn’t address suicide because it wasn’t as “big” as it is today.

Meaning…

The population was smaller, people didn’t understand it, didn’t report it, conditions of life were harder, people didn’t live as long, etc., etc.

We don’t know what the suicide rate was 2,000 years ago, but we know that it happened.

Is suicide a sin? Is it murder?

That’s up to you and your own thoughts and beliefs.

But consider this…

A soldier who jumps on a live grenade to save their unit is considered brave and used self-sacrifice to save the people around them.

Not suicide…

Even though by all definitions of the word…

That solider committed suicide.

Is there a difference between self-sacrifice and suicide? And don’t say that the difference is depression. How do we know that the soldier didn’t have some sort of depression?

I know a few people who openly talk about their depression, including one person who is very close to me. I know for a fact that if that person was successful in their suicide attempt, that in their mind, it would be more of an act of self-sacrifice than suicide.

Why?

Because they honestly believe that the world would be better without them, and to die would save us all from having to deal with them any longer. They believe that they would be doing us a favor by dying.

If that isn’t an argument for self-sacrifice, then I don’t know what is.

Most of the world (including the big religions) do not consider selfless acts of bravery as suicide or murder (as long as there is only one person involved).

In conclusion…

Depression is not a sin.

Suicide (depending on your beliefs and views) may or may not be a sin.

And my personal belief…

I don’t care if it’s a sin or not, because I believe that most sins can be forgiven; including suicide. Why? Because I believe that if you are to the point where death is the only answer, and you cannot find any other way out; then you already have a relationship with the Lord, and He knows your struggle and has already forgiven you before death comes.

Of course…I always hope that there is another solution. 

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."